Full Circle
In college, a professor showed me his photos of Mono Lake. Without knowing much about it, I was fascinated instantly. The lake is about 5-6 hours drive from LA. Year after year, waiting for boyfriends to go with me. “Can we visit Mono Lake? I’ve always wanted to go.” But no one went with me.
I was a stay-at-home mom in my first marriage. When Saturday came, I would be excited because my ex-husband said we would go out and do things together. I didn’t have income at the time, so I was home with my baby most of the time. But Saturday after Saturday, our plans got canceled - he was either too tired or having a hangover after drinking too much with friends the night before or “Let’s go next weekend instead.” Finally, another Saturday plan was canceled. I changed out of my outfit again and back to pajamas. Tears rolled out uncontrollably. I hid my face by the closet door and cried with so much strength, releasing the sadness from disappointment. We stopped making plans after that.
The day I decided to get a divorce, I took the car and drove to Mono Lake. First time driving that far by myself. First time not waiting or relying on someone. I made it on time to catch the sunset. Stood by the lake for 10 minutes and got back into the car. As I was leaving, the biggest moon was rising from the horizon. I felt peace. I felt the power to say “I don’t want to be in this marriage” to my ex-husband and everyone against it.
I didn’t think there was a path. Single mom without income, what was I going to do? Credit cards were used to the max to buy diapers and food. Collection companies called everyday. Took my clothes and other belongings to sell at consignment shops for some cash.
Shortly after the divorce, a friend introduced me to a guy. One day, I went to downtown to visit him at work and didn’t have cash to pay for parking. There was an ATM outside of his work building, but I knew there wasn’t any money in my bank account. He handed me $20. I took the cash with embarrassment and shame. That night I broke down, peeled off the facade, and told him what a mess I was.
“Take small steps, one step at a time,” He said.
The next day, I job searched and emailed everyone I knew. A high school friend was a manager at a manufacture company doing collection (ironic, huh?) and offered me a job. Searched online for debt management and canceled all of the credit cards. My parents babysat for few months, but I put Venise to pre-school as soon as there was money in the bank account again. Worked fulltime for several years, then got into wedding photography on the weekends to make extra income, eventually paid off the debt, saved enough money, and quit the day job.
The path was always there, but I was too afraid to do anything. Even though I made the hard choice to be a single mom, I was still just a beginner at being brave and believing in myself. At the time I thought no one would hire me after not working for so long. And then I didn’t know how to ask for help. Taking first step, moving to a new direction, believing in myself all seem easy now. I must tell Bonnie from back then that she did a great job. Her struggle of growth did not go to waste.
Every decision we make and action we take daily create the future. Honestly, though, most of the time I don’t know what I am doing. Did I say yes to the right job? Did I say no to the right person? The best I can do is make decision from good intention and trust it will take me to where I’m supposed to be.
Few years ago, a PR company invited me to a new restaurant in downtown. After lunch, I needed cash to pay for parking, so I searched for a nearby ATM. The streets were busy as people were heading back to work. As I walked closer to the ATM I realized it was the same one from many years ago, when there wasn’t any money in my bank account. I stood there staring at the building and all the memories came rushing back. Didn’t know how long I stood there, when my mind returned to reality no one was around and it had gone completely quiet. Took some cash out, then turned around to walk back to the parking lot. In the quietness, a sudden loud “DONG! DONG! DONG!” of metal hitting came from a construction site. It felt like God was telling me, “You’ve made a full circle.”
