I Am Worthy

An old friend once said to me, “You need to be more assertive. You’re talented and a strong woman. Let people know!” Another friend asked recently, “Why are you waiting for James to ask you out? Just tell him.”

Logically, I understand it. I’m a grown woman, talented and successful. I should be shining bright, blinding light everywhere I go, but instead I prefer to be unnoticed.

Sounds easy to just speak up, but for someone who has gotten negative response when expressing needs since very little, it is extremely difficult to do so. My experience of a negative response was either an angry face or being ignored or receiving harsh words. One time, during my middle school years, I gathered all of my strength to express my love for my mother by saying, “Don’t sleep too late” before bed. Her response was, “Pfft.” I walked to my room feeling hurt and embarrassed.

I am conditioned to sense danger when I need to express myself. Something as simple as “I don’t want to eat noodle,” it is a do or die situation. My brain is thinking if I am going to be killed, then let’s not speak up.

Have you seen Christopher Nolan’s film, Inception? Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, was hired to plant an idea into Robert Fischer’s head, which was played by Cillian Murphy, that his father loved him and wanted him to be who he is. The action scenes were brilliant. The obstacles that Cobb and his team encountered just to plant a small idea into someone’s head was such perfect metaphor of how difficult it is to unlearn something and then to build a new belief system. The ego fights back.

I truly feel fortunate to have met James. Without his constant encouragement to speak up and to speak up immediately, allowing me space to practice, I am getting little better to let my voice be heard.

That small idea of I am worthy grows slowly, but surely, soon, I’ll believe it wholeheartedly.