Your Self Critic Is Not You
My heart was racing and hands were sweating. The phone faced me in selfie mode. I made sure my hair looked ok - didn’t have time to wash it after making breakfast for my two daughters. Pushed the phone an inch away, then two inches closer, slide it slightly to the left, tilted it up a little... After 15 minutes or so, I said to myself, "Ok, you're just stalling. Just start." I hit the "live" button on Instagram and started talking.
Sound familiar to you?
My self critic is basically my mom - I’m never good enough and everything needs to be perfect. Even after finishing my live video, I received many "thank you" DMs and emails from the audience and friends, my self critic still said to me, "Did you notice your were mumbling? Open your mouth wider next time. Maybe you shouldn't even try again next time, this isn’t for you."
I grew up with a mom who's very critical of everyone, including her kids. She would always tell me I was never popular like she was in high school, I didn't dance as well as she did, her sister's kids were always smarter than me, I didn't have a nice body figure like she did... Even buying bananas, she'd say she picked WAY better ones than I do. One evening, during high school, I had a razor in my hand and tempted to cut my wrist while taking a shower. I chickened out and didn’t do it. I just kept questioning, was I my parents' daughter?
When I looked deep inside to examine who is that voice that constantly tells me "I can't do it,” I realized it was never me. It was my mom's. I had let her words live in my head pretending to be me for my whole life. AND! Not only her... A high school friend said my forehead was funny looking being so high, so I always find ways to cover it. A boyfriend in college said I was the only girlfriend that couldn't fit comfortably into the bathtub with him (I weighed 113LBS at the time), so I'm always watching my weight. Some photographers said behind my back, "...bet it was because of Pinterest that she was able to get photography jobs," so I always struggle that my work wasn’t good enough.
I want you to know that WE ARE ALL UNIQUE. We’re all good at something. Many things.
That critical voice inside our heads are not us, it is this dark shadow that eats up every negative things others say about us and make us believe those words. Somewhere along the way, we locked up our true selves that are full of light and wonder, and then tell ourselves we are not good enough, we need to do better. So we go into hustle mode - not having fun, always "what's next", never a "proud of you" moment.
It is time.
It is time to take the power and give it back to yourself. Go dig deep into your own history book, highlight everything and every word that hurt you in the past and say to them, "Ah, so that was you. I will no longer trust you and give you power." That voice will still pop up once in awhile as usual, but now you know it's just an imposter. Know that you can truly do anything you want.
