Finding My Voice

At 52, I found myself in a place I never expected, a place of genuine self-acceptance that took decades of struggle to reach.

In learning to love myself more deeply, I found my voice, but it wasn’t the seamless journey movies portray. My first attempts at speaking up came out louder than intended, raw and unrefined. I secretly hoped for validation: ”I see you standing up for yourself, good job.” Instead, I often heard: ”That’s not my problem. You’re the problem.”

It hurt. I cried. More than I care to admit.

Those tears were special, though I couldn’t see it then. Each one carried decades of buried authenticity, of moments when I made myself small to make others comfortable. My whole life, I’d been the peacekeeper, the one who smoothed things over, who said ”it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t.

The grief cycle took me through its necessary stages. Just months ago, anger consumed me, at others for their treatment, at myself for my silence. Years of suppressed emotions erupted like a volcano, and suddenly I saw red flags everywhere. Back then I would make excuses for everyone: ”Oh, she’s too busy.” Or ”It’s ok, he doesn’t know.” But no more. It became ”FUCK YOU!” on my mind constantly.

I’m not proud of this phase, but I honor it. The universe had to break me open to reveal the truth.

During this time, I found myself sitting alone with my thoughts one evening, absolutely upset about a friend who had dismissed my feelings yet again. ”Why am I suddenly so angry all the time?” I scribbled on my journal furiously. As I reread those words, something calmed me. I wasn’t suddenly angry. I was finally acknowledging the anger that had always been there, buried beneath layers of people-pleasing and emotional compromise.

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I told my husband, ”I am bitchy, but I’m still evolving. So don’t see the now me as the final version.” He laughed and said I should make t-shirts out of it. That laughter was exactly what I needed—a reminder not to take my evolution so seriously all the time.

*This is just a glimpse. Read the full reflection over on True and Authentic.

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Read the rest of this piece and join the conversation on True and Authentic, my Substack journal.