Purpose

Work came to a halt since the pandemic started. From calendar filled up with meetings and photoshoots to nothing. I don’t even check email every minute anymore.

It was a struggle to come to term with it. To my ego, I have failed miserably. “You are not making money. Picking up the kids? Cooking three meals a day? That’s not you. Didn’t you vow not to be a housewife? You’ve been painting, go sell that. You know how to market it. DO SOMETHING!” So I woke up every morning with anxiety that I wasn’t doing enough, that I’ve failed, people would look down on me.

What is my ego? My ego is a wounded child who grew up in an Asian culture and educational system paired with a narcissistic parent. This child is molded into thinking she is never good enough, so she must please, and her soul purpose is to seek validation.

Ok, ego, you are an adult now. You do not need validation from anyone. Nothing anyone say to you can harm you. You are enough. Where you are right now and what you do everyday is good enough.

The purpose of our lives changes according to where we are at the moment. At this moment, I am not a hustling business owner. In this part of the journey of life, I am a caretaker of my family and an explorer of my inner creativity. I can be upset and complain every morning about needing to get kids ready for school or I can be content and fulfilled by serving my purpose. Yes, life has meaning even when I put a piece of toast into the toaster oven for my kid. Everything we do has a ripple effect. My kids will remember if mommy was always complaining when she was doing the dishes or if she was joyful, which will effect their adulthood and who they are with their friends, spouses, and their own kids.

I am also serving my inner creativity, which I didn’t get to in childhood. Having so much free time now gives me the chance to learn, ponder and absorb. I’ve never read and be exposed to new ideas as much as I have in this past two years. One may say this is not a purpose and I would agree back then. How can watching documentary and making abstract paintings be a purpose? I don’t know, I cannot see into the future and give you a certain answer. But if I’m light up by doing things that my soul enjoys, and perhaps that will influence a friend and she lights up, and then the next and the next. Could one person bring light into this world make a difference? I believe we can.