Reconnect

While cleaning the email inbox, an old email thread with my dad from 2008 appeared. He was informing me that the lack of business was forcing him to retire and that I needed to take over the mortgage and other bills. I read my reply and could tell Bonnie from back then was eager to please. Without thinking for herself - a single mom, made $35K a year, with debt of her own accumulated from the divorce - how could she afford to take on everything? But she did because she wanted to prove she was worthy.

Delete The memory was triggering and there’s no need to revisit.

Another old email popped up, it was from my brother’s Godmother, Clara. I called her my Godmother too because I was close to her. She was the only adult I felt safe to talk to. In the email, from 2009, she wrote a list of actions to take to stand up for myself.

“Pick yourself up and plan the future. You can do it Girl!!!!!!! Do it now, don’t wait till tomorrow!”

“Think deep and ask yourself – WHAT DO I WANT IN LIFE with Venise. You need to find yourself. To have your own voice & to be in charge.”

“Lay out your own financial status; make a plan, like how you made your business plan before you quit your job. No matter how tight the budget could be you still can make it. Keep in mind it is your own family & you are in charge good bad or ugly.”

“Remember, as a WOMAN, we can be anything, a daughter, a wife, a mother as well as a successful professional.”

I didn’t write back and we lost touch. At that time, I doubt old Bonnie knew how important it is to have her own voice.

For 10 years, I was too busy surviving and trying to get somewhere. To arrive somewhere meant I could make another paycheck and that meant another month of bills could get paid. And for the last 2 years I was focusing on healing from setting boundaries with my parents and the hysterectomy. 12 years, it went by just like that.

Someone once said when you leave people behind, don’t expect them to still be there when you return. I was always afraid to reconnect with someone or something from my past. I cannot go backward. Besides, I left, people don’t wait around for me.

I stared at my Godmother’s email and wondered how she’s doing. Clicked “reply,” after 12 years, and wrote a short “thinking about you” message. Within minutes she wrote back and we talked that evening.

Clara is just as warm as I remember her. She said she stalked me online. “I am so so proud of you, of all the things you’ve achieved.” Coming from a mother figure, it got me choked up.

When I was struggling to survive, there were many times I felt defeat, crawling on my hands and knees trying to get to the finish line. Unbeknownst to me, someone was on the sideline quietly cheering for me.

People come and go, they all served their purposes in different stages of my life. Lately, though, reconnecting with few people from the past is bringing me the feeling of warmth and safety. It’s true, people always show up at the right time.