Space In Between
I took time off. A long time off, about 2-3 years. Mostly because of my health problems, but also because I was mentally exhausted. I stopped working (I did pick up some jobs here and there, but it wasn’t busy like it used to be), stopped being creative, stopped talking to people. I watched many hours of lifestyle YouTubers cook, clean and gardening. Watched a lot of documentaries and movies. Watched many Korean tv dramas. Read many books. It's like one day I just decided to get off the conveyor belt, sat on the grass and watched the world went by. There were days I'd panic and jumped back onto the conveyor belt because everyone was moving ahead of me. But then I'd immediately get off when I recognized fear had taken over my head.
I'm learning to be ok to have space in between life events.
Is your calendar always full? Mine was. Everyday, something had to happen; the calendar was never blank. Sometimes I watch my (soon to be) 5-year old daughter and time doesn't mean anything to her. She would brush teeth, then suddenly stop because a neon rubber band caught her eyes, played with it, then suddenly stopped again when the toothbrush caught her eyes, and finished brushing. She doesn't ever rush. Of course, though, I'm the one who tells her to hurry and brush her teeth or finish eating. I imagine artists like Leonardo da Vinci or Van Gogh were taking their time. They might leave a project, travel to see family or eat a nice long meal with a friend, and then go back to it.
Hayao Miyazaki, a Japanese animator and director, who co-founded Studio Ghibli, said in an interview, "We have a word for that in Japanese, it's called ma. Emptiness." He clapped his hands three or four times and explained, "The time in between my clapping is ma. If you just have non-stop action with no breathing space at all, it's just busyness. But if you take a moment, then the tension building in the film can grow into a wider dimension. If you just have constant tension at 80 degrees all the time you just get numb."
Thom Yorke, lead vocalist and songwriter of band Radiohead, said in an interview with Alec Baldwin, "There's a threshold. But like if you want to shift, right, with your work, if you want to shift. If you're writing, if you're being creative at all, you kind of have to stop to make that shift. Because if you just, "I'm constantly creating, I've got this mountain of brilliant ideas," you're making the basic mistake that you're assuming all your ideas are brilliant, where in fact actually the more you do, then probably the more – kind of your thing in reverse because actually I need to go and do normal shit. I need to – I can't write unless I have a period where..." Alec Baldwin responded, "You're restored." Yorke replied, "Well no, it's not restored, just reset. I'm like just normal – normal. Normal, normal, normal, normal, normal, normal."
That's where I'm at right now - the space before shifting. I'm shifting to something else, but I don't know what it'll be and I'm learning to be still with it.
When I get busy, I end up doing the same thing over and over again; like running on a treadmill. It’s easy to get burnout after awhile. Taking time off gives me space to enjoy the progress, to think, and to grow. Often times, I’d put down a book for weeks or put away a project for months. I don’t want to just consume, but to let experience or idea or knowledge sink in. Enjoy the meal, eat slowly, taste the food, appreciate the love.
