Photo Collection: New York
There was a time when I traveled to New York for work quite a lot. My career in photography was doing really well. First time in my life I was proud to have something to call my own. But at the same time I was in deep depression. I was a single mom and almost never stayed overnight because I wanted to return to my daughter; unless I was shooting a wedding. I would fly red eye, arrived at 5 or 6 am, when the city was quiet, and leave by sunset. I walked alone with my toy film camera, pointed at what was interesting and pressed the shutter. That was my healing process. Sometimes I didn’t even process the film until a year later and I had no memory what film or camera I used. It was the process of being alone and paid attention to details around me.
For a long time, I was relying on others for happiness. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, I was conditioned to do anything for love and affection. I would shape shift to fit into anyone’s mold. “Tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be THAT.” When I finally had my own thing - photography, I broke up with the one person that taught me how to get back on my two feet after divorce and how to love myself. I was no longer the person that wanted to rely on someone for happiness. I grew and my world got bigger and there was a huge gap between me and the person I loved. So I left the relationship. I was in tremendous guilt and my ego kept fighting to allow me to be alone. Loneliness at night was the hardest, there were nights when I felt numb and nothing matter.
New York was a good place for me to heal, I was never physically alone, there were always people and old buildings to admire. Sometimes I would walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn, sometimes I would walk into any cafe that looked interesting and sat for hours, and sometimes I would have a long conversation with a taxi driver on break. I was seeing the world through my own eyes for the first time. A friend once said to me, “If you can make it in New York, then you can make it anywhere.”
These images are a reflection of my loneliness, hope, wonder, and sadness at that time.
