We Are Not Friends
Once I learned the term “narcissistic mother” I dived deep into the subject. I read books from The Body Keeps The Score to Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, watched YouTube videos, read articles… and it made me look at the relationships I was in (or still in).
I should clarify something first because I noticed most people when they heard “my mom’s a narcissist” and thought “oh, she’s self centered.” It’s more than that.
I recently took my 18-year old daughter to get her wisdom teeth pulled out. One of the things we did to put her onto the path of adulthood. It dawned on me that many of my baby teeth never fall out. Yes, I’m still using my baby teeth and I’m almost 50 years old. I didn’t find out until I was 30-something. I had a toothache, went to the dentist, did the x-ray, and he was shocked to find out majority of the baby teeth were still intact and the adult teeth were forced to grow inside my gum. I didn’t think much of it and didn’t question it. Just “wow!” I would even make fun of myself to others that I still have baby teeth. But only recently, after gaining knowledge on what it means to grow up with a narcissistic parent, I realized she didn’t even notice my baby teeth didn’t fall out, then I’m able to say, “wow, that’s so wrong.”
When you grow up in an abusive environment, (abusive doesn’t just mean physical violence, it can be verbal, it can be emotional neglect), you lack the muscle to question. Why would an infant or toddler question the ONLY people she trusts isn’t giving her affection? She’s used to it. She has been molded to not receive love.
I have been molded into not worthy to receive love, I must please to receive some attention, I must get hurt or sick to receive touch, I must not fail, and there’s no amount of winning to even get a “good job.”
And so I grew up and went out to seek relationships where I could feel love. Every friendship or romantic relationship left me exhausted and unhappy because I walked around the world in that mold. I was constantly changing myself to fit in, chasing people, dropping my life to go out of my way to others, always “poor me, poor me” so friends would respond to my texts. (Honestly, typing all of these and reliving those days in my head is draining so much of my energy.)
After the realization of growing up in an abusive relationship and my behavior, one day I decided to stop complaining. I stopped texting friends when someone was using me or being rude or “omg, my mom just said this to me.” At first, there was withdrawal, just like addicts would without drugs. Then I started talking in my head a lot - complaining and having imaginary heated conversations with whoever “wronged” me.
Slowly and eventually clarity came. I didn’t reach out and no one checked in. Sometimes the ego would pop in and say, “See what you did? You have no friends now.” But my heart and soul know I did the right thing.
This is the time to be alone, so that I can get to know myself without distraction. The very few friends that I do talk to we probably see each other only once a month. They share similar childhood trauma, so I feel safe to express myself and they taught me a lot. Grateful to have my husband, James, on my side, who’s always loving and supportive.
I truly don’t know who I am. I have been living for my mother since probably when I first learned what anger means or possibly when I was in the womb!
