Your Head Broke The Pencil

Homework was a nightmare to me. Math was especially horrifying. I remember those thick workbooks that felt impossible to finish. Every time my mom shared how tough it was to teach me homework, “You were so dumb. We kept teaching you, but you just didn’t understand it. Your dad was so frustrated that he hit your head with the pencil and your head broke it!” She laughed and I laughed along. But really, it wasn’t funny.

I dreaded doing homework, it meant time for punishment, being told I was dumb and angry parents. Dinner was always delayed because I couldn’t figure out a math problem.

The other day Henri needed water, but she was afraid to fill up the cup herself. She said, “I’m too scared to do it. I might spill the water.” That broke my heart. At one point, I must’ve reacted strongly to spilled water and Henri didn’t want to risk trying again. I apologized to her, “I’m sorry. I screamed when you spilled water, huh? I wasn’t angry at you, I was shocked about what happened. Just like when I spilled something. We all have accidents; sister does, daddy does and I have a lot of them.” She nodded and went back to play.

Everyday, I do my very best not to become my parents. I wish they would tell me it wasn’t my fault for not understanding math, for taking up time, for making them frustrated. I can see most of my behavior towards relationships come from those childhood wounds. I give up as soon as I don’t see progress. I hate taking up people’s time. I like to shop alone or shop real fast if someone is with me. I avoid confrontation and tend to please.

Being extremely careful with friends made me feel like a fruad. But I also don’t quite know when a friend invited me to the flea market and I quickly said, “Yes!” was because of pleasing or genuinely wanted to hang out. These days I am careful and examine my intention more often. I don’t want to live life through the wounded child. I am no longer a kid and I have the power to speak up and stand up for myself.

“You know what? It’s not that I was dumb. It’s my parents’ problem for not being able to help me understand math!”

“There you go,” James said proudly.